haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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