we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
