i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
