I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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