THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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