as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
