just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
