pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
