I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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