She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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