I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
