He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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