I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
