I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
