I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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