This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
