If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
