I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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