I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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