theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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