Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
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Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM