matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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