Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
