I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Randomize
