i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
