girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
