I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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