I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
