it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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