the condom got lost in my hair
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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