when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
