Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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