so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
