oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
