you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
