dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
