This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Pants are for mortals
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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