so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sorry my hands just texted you
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
