Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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