OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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