Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
