You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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