remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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