Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
