My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
