he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i've created a new STD.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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