He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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