did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
