sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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