you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Boobs are out for the taking
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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