I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
