Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
