Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
