Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Randomize
