Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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