I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
